What I Am Not Anymore

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I knew this a long time ago, but I didn’t know it hard enough. I kept on forgetting. I kept allowing those old identity mittens to get me right in the middle of where all the feelings happen, and then there I would be, right there in the middle of it again. Acting a fool. Betraying myself and everyone who mattered most. Losing my whole entire everything all over again.

Socks and mittens and big heavy boots. All kinds of thick, heavy layers of things that weren’t me, all bundled up and then heavy with the armor and the medieval weaponry, because I’d severely forgotten who I really was, and I felt certain I needed to be protected from all the pain.

And the pain seemed to come from everywhere.

It’s amazing now that none of it was real. None of the perceived threats, I mean. Oh, but everything I was doing was so very, unfortunately real. I must have looked hilarious to those bastards as they poked and prodded.

Watch the monkey dance! Let’s see if we can get him to cock that hammer back again and stick the barrel right up under his chin…let’s see how close we can get him…

Trapped in a nightmare, with no way to get out, the key to my own prison taped to the back of my head, and way to much smoke and mirrors going on for me to ever be able to tell.

Let’s make him hit her again! That’s the best part…

All of it gone now, long in the past, all of the damage long done. Distant memories, most of it. The types of plants and things that you get from those seeds…I wouldn’t wish them upon my worst enemy.

There’s a different version of fighting it now, now that I’ve woken up from that part of the problem…the endless failure wheel and the certainty of being destined for destruction…those automated patterns and self-fulfilling prophecies that haunt my mind…it’s still all a game of mistaken identity.

Here in this place, though, where I am confident of the reality of the Great Exchange that divided all of human history, and which continues to divide every sentient being in the universe…I choose here and now to align myself with my Redeemer, and to deliberately silence the schemes of the Accuser. I am one with my redemption, and so here I remain and silently know that I am not that same man anymore.

 

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