Silent Scream

There keeps being this waking up, gasping for breath moment. “Oh my God…Oh my GOD…how did this happen? How am I here? No, no, no… No, this can’t be… How can I undo this? I can’t? I can’t…so, but…where can I go or what can I do so that I don’t hurt…?”

[Inside of me]

Nothing? I can do nothing.

I can go nowhere. Oh God…no, no, NO…OH GOD…

Oh God…

No.

But…

Eventually (or sometimes immediately) the physical tightness happens in the chest. Always the breathing stops working the normal way, and it changes to where breath needs to happen manually (which becomes cumbersome), and eventually that tightness makes it seem like there’s going to be an actual, physical breaking down…

A heart attack is usually the thing I’m afraid of happening.

So I try to calm down, and all that. But this is all easy peasy. This is all patty cakes.

The real problem is that horrible dark, irreversible badness.

You can’t undo it.

There is nothing.

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