There can be moments almost immediately after just having felt supremely awesome where I can feel suddenly like the nightmare has extended forever in every direction, and like it’s never going to end, and it’s only going to get worse, no matter what. There can be days where the bombardment with memories, and the taunting awareness of how much hope I have been promised by other people, becomes only just on the short side of exploding into actual, full insanity.

And sometimes it seems like I’ve surpassed every limitation of how much pain a human can feel inside, and how much regret…the regret, especially, gets so thick. I can’t really move around very much under it. And there doesn’t seem to be a way out.

Every once in awhile, I will feel as though I’m in a really good place, and like I’ve finally gotten my legs under me again. Then the next thing that happens pushes me right back over the edge again, and I’m falling inside…falling, falling, falling…

…I can feel the wind as the air moves past my face, and the scenery becomes darker as I descend lower and lower. Freefalling down, down, down…and then down some more…

It can seem as though the moments of relief and such were only a dream, just an illusion, and like all of the bad stuff is still just as bad, still just as laughing.

It’s like some kind of a movie, some kind of a sick, twisted movie about a guy who screwed everything up in such a bad way that the whole universe got broken, and there’s no way out, no way to change it. Except it’s not a movie. This is actually real life.

And there’s no way to change it.

By Ben Wolf

It's a secret!

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