In some instances (and most particularly, I believe, in the instance of navigating the life of a human being, and especially with regards to choosing to really live instead of to complacently float down the river of ambivalence) resistance is not futile. It is the single most profitable method of exerting our personal energy. I must resist death with life, fear with joy. As I battle against what would otherwise most certainly impoverish my soul — and most probably eventually dissolve it altogether — I receive the manifestation of the free gift of eternal life in the here and now. Heaven on Earth explodes (however it chooses to do so at the moment, whether gently or with much force) onto the scene, and captivates us. It becomes the focal point of our love. We become obsessed. We are all of us yearning for the redemption of everything, the completion of what we deeply see as justice, and when we carry out our thoughts and actions in the direction opposite of all that would hinder this, then we can really, truly be free.
I had to resist unforgiveness today. I had to figure out how to open my hand, as it were, and let go, when so much of my comfortable me-brain wanted to hang onto the idea of exacting revenge (somehow, in some way, even if it were to never manifest — just the idea that I have the right to see myself vindicated; a big part of me felt really unable to let go of that.) The only way I was able to successfully do this was to step away from it all, in my mind, and speak to Jesus again, as though I really were sitting here talking with the man himself. I had to step over and sort of sideways, away from myself and into that place where I am thinking and considering first what Christ in me (the hope of glory) would be wanting to choose in this particular psychological instance. That’s the only perspective I can look at these really hard things from. Naturally, there is a lot to resist, anytime I go to do this. I have to sort of just go monk, and initiate that near-automatic response of not-my-will. It’s the same way you jump out of a plane, if you have to. You just can’t listen to the way you feel. You have to trust the math.
I’ve also had very good salmon tonight, and my brain feels amazing, even though I find myself struggling with impatience again, but I’m not even going to trip.
I would also like to make a note to self, in the form of an observation from today’s experience that there is really much more of a simple relaxing of the mind and a letting go of the need to perform full intellectual computation involved, when trading sorrows for joy, than what there commonly occurs to me to be as being. It’s never as difficult as I make it.
