There are kinds of pain through which the only survival is by death. I do not mean actual, physical death. These are not thinly veiled threats of suicide. The death I am talking about is the absolute death of the self, available only by stepping into the death of God, which has already been accomplished. It’s a good kind of death to step into, because it results in new life, but it’s a nearly impossible thing to want. We tend to cling on to even the most horrific versions of natural human life, just by sheer instinct.
I will let go of these impulses, though. I have seen enough of the pattern to know where it leads, and my destiny is not in that place.
I will resist these demons unto blood. I am a new creation. I will live only from that place of newness. Malice and envy are dead to me now. I have life through a nexus of Yahweh and sacrifice, and I yield to whatever that means for this present moment.